im typing this right now for one reason! to send my thoughts out to the universe and cross my fingers and wish those thoughts come true one day.
its hard to lose a friend, its ever harder to lose a relative/cousin someone whom u considered to be a sister to u. but its not as hard as losing urself!
in the past year i lost my best friend, its 10 months now with no talking, we work at the same place and we NEVER im mean NEVER ran into each other!
she got a replacement for me some girl she believes to be her soul mate! i never believed in rebounds ! and there she goes having the same relationship we had together with someone else. of course i know this because we share a long list of mutual friends ! the sad thing is no one knows what happened and both of us wont talk about it!
what hurts me the most here, that i haven't replaced her and the emptiness i feel in my heart soul and life is because shes gone! i never knew i was this easy to change/replace/dump and forget! obviously i am.
losing a cousin!
how did that happen? why did it happen? when did it happen? these three questions are to be NEVER answered! the other day i was reading old msgs in my old phone. i got to a dozen of msgs between me & her that were normal! wat amazed me is that she was really good to me and to my sisters as well. i miss that person! i really do! one day out of the blue after she got married she changed! she decided that everything she will talk about from now on is PURE TEFELSEF! about her husband how loves and adores her! how he showers her with gifts all the time ! how she doesnt spend a fils from her salary and she doesnt check bills anymore, she just buys! when its something about her we're the first to be there, but when its something related to us she ignores it as it never happened! i dont really know why is she doing this to us! but the sad thing is she uses our history together to her benefit!
i couldnt explain her behaviour but i try to be careful around her, allah yahdeeha ;/
the hardest saddest thing of them all, is losing urself!
i can honestly say that i have grown a lot this past year, i have plenty of time to think rethink and think some more about my personality, goals, principles & feelings! i have learned how to deal with my anger, my tears because im such a cryer and the way i talk and express myself to people. i think i have become a better person because of what happened to me. but in a weird way i miss the old me! i miss the fragile scared girl that i was!
im still talkative and social, but im more outgoing and engaging! im more active i laugh more i have more relationships in my social circle and more people are trying to getting to know me, and sometime i get the feeling that some actually want to be friends with me and to be closer to me *blushing*! thats good thats really good! 7amdellah but i miss myself when i used to be with her, my ex best friend! obviously thats not logical! but i really loved her and loved having her in my life. and the changes i am going through, the things im trying to do, improve and accomplish are just ways to fill the void i have in my life!
this brings me to the title of my post, all i need is ..
someone who can lift my spirit the way she did! someone who calls me when a stupid/helegeya song comes on the radio! someone who tells me specific details about her day! someone i have to call daily, every hour! at least someone i can text all day freely!!
i need someone i can love endlessly! i wanna be loved and taken care of by someone who appreciates me. i want someone that i can be with all the time.
all i need is love